Every human being has at one point or another been confronted with conflict. It is an inevitable part of life. If you have never encountered conflict, you haven’t been alive very long. From the time a child exits his mother’s womb and enters this world he encounters conflict. Mother wants to sleep and baby wants to be fed. Conflict! The two-year-old wants to venture out onto the street by himself and Daddy wants the toddler to live to provide him with grandchildren. Conflict! Ethan and Tray (both three-year-olds) both want to play with the same toy. Conflict! Lucy and Emily (teenagers at the same school) both want to be captain of the volleyball team. Conflict! Tim and Aaron (interns at a law firm) both want the one permanent position left. Conflict! Grandma wants to visit the grandkids on the West Coast and Grandpa wants the two of them (and just the two of them) to take a quiet vacation to a cabin in Montana. Conflict! Conflict happens. From the time of infancy to the time we die conflict is there. It is part of life. If you are done having conflict, you are probably dead.
It is important to note that conflict cannot fit neatly into the boxes of “right” and “wrong.” Conflict is actually never “right” or “wrong.” It is simply a situation. Calling conflict “right” or “wrong” is similar to calling sickness “right” or “wrong.” Is it wrong to be sick? No. It could be that you sinned (ex. You may have disobeyed your mother and gone playing in the rain when she had specifically forbidden it) and that sin resulted in you becoming sick (ex. Because you played in the rain you contracted pneumonia). But the sickness itself is not “wrong.” It could also be that you become angry at God, or someone else, because you are sick. That is a sinful action, but again, the sickness itself is not “right” or “wrong.” Conflict is not either “right” or “wrong.” It is how you choose to deal with conflict that is right or wrong. Do you choose to deal with it in a self-pleasing manner or in a manner that pleases God?
The Root of Conflict
In the book of James, we find a theological, yet practical, handling of the issue of conflict. James 4:1 (ESV) asks the question, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?” The answer is given in rhetorical format in the second half of the verse. “Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” James shows us here that conflict, specifically “fights” and “quarrels”, happens when passions (desires/wants) collide. Two people + two desires = conflict.
James then continues on to closely relate fights and quarrels to selfishness (4:2-5) and pride ( 4:6). In fact fights and quarrels find their root in selfishness and pride. If a simple conflict turns into a quarrel, it is undoubtedly because one or more parties involved are selfish, prideful, and unwilling to compromise.
The Remedy for Conflict
Thankfully, James does not leave us hanging there, but goes on to provide us with a remedy for fights and quarrels (4:7-12). The first thing James says in this section is, “Submit yourselves therefore to God.” Submission? That’s an awfully hard thing to do. Yes, it is. Especially if you are proud. But verse 6 tells us that “God opposes the proud.” Submission is an act of humility. And verse 6 also tells us that God “gives grace to the humble.”
Submission to God is an act of humility that empties the person of his claim to his or her rights or entitlements. You may say, “I have the right to be treated with respect by people.” James says that to avoid allowing conflict to become a sinful fight or quarrel you must submit your will and your desires to God. Remember, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” If you want to act biblically, and therefore receive God’s grace, you must act humbly and be submissive to God.
Examples of Conflict
In the parable of the Lost Son (Luke 15:11-32) we find two examples of conflict. One handled biblically and one handled selfishly. The first example happens at the beginning of the parable when the younger son comes to his father and demands his portion of the inheritance. In essence, in that culture, he made it clear that he wished that his father was dead and that he had his money. This was a serious insult, especially in the Jewish culture where respect towards one’s parents was commanded by law and disrespect was punishable by death. The father, even after being highly insulted, responded graciously to his son and gave him his portion of the inheritance. This is the example of conflict rightly handled (at least as far as the father was concerned). Graciousness and humility were the overwhelming characteristics of the father in this situation. He had every right to refuse his son and even disown him for his insolence and disrespect, yet his response was one that was not concerned with his own personal hurt.
The second example of conflict comes near the close of the parable. The younger son has realized the error of his ways and has returned home. The father has welcomed him with open arms and has thrown a party to celebrate the return of his wayward son. While this party was going on, the older son came in from the fields and heard the noise of the party and inquired as to the occasion. A servant told him about his brother’s return home and the excitement and joy of his father. The older son became indignant and refused to enter into the party. The father then, in love, came out and entreated his oldest son to come and join in the celebration. The son refused. His pride had been damaged by the fact that he had been a faithful son and yet his father had never thrown him a party such as the one that was thrown for the younger (wayward) son. Jesus closed the parable with the older son still standing outside the house and outside the party, indignant and prideful. He had not yet learned humility and, therefore, was unable to handle conflict biblically. He remained prideful and unforgiving in his heart.
Forgiveness: A Must
One of the keys to good conflict resolution is forgiveness. The most famous passage on forgiveness is probably Matthew 18:21-22 (ESV). “Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’ ” During this period in history, the Jew had kind of a “three strikes and you’re out” system. So for Peter to offer to forgive his brother seven times was being very generous. However, Jesus responds to Peter’s question by multiplying Peter’s estimated number by seventy. Now, most Bible scholars agree that Jesus was not aiming to set a definite number at which you were to cease in offering forgiveness. Jesus was rather seeking to make the point that we are never to cease in offering forgiveness. This kind of forgiveness echoes the kind of forgiveness that God has shown to Christians. 1 John 1:9 (ESV) says that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Whenever we fall in to sin, if we confess it, God is faithful to forgive. He doesn’t put a limit on his forgiveness and the scriptures make it clear that we are not to put a limit on our forgiveness either.
When we think about forgiveness biblically we will realize that we have no reason to hold anything against anyone else when we stop and consider how much we have been forgiven. We sinned against a holy and perfect God and He forgave us without limit. Anyone who sins against us is merely sinning against another sinful human being. How then can we justly withhold forgiveness?
So, how do we deal with conflict in a manner that glorifies God? We must respond with humility, submission, and forgiveness. Forgiveness requires that we have a humble and submissive attitude. A prideful heart will not be prone to forgive. May God grant us the humility to deal with conflict in a manner that brings glory to the Father, and humility to forgive as we have been forgiven.
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